


I Lived

by The Tinglenator (Misha_McCarthy)



Series: Supernatural One-Shots [20]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angry Sam Winchester, Angst, Distraught Dean Winchester, Distrust, Drabble, Flash Fic, Gadreel Possessing Sam Winchester, Gen, Lies, One Shot, Possession, Protective Dean Winchester, Scared Dean Winchester, Scared Sam Winchester, Short One Shot, Worried Dean Winchester, Worried Sam Winchester, Worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:16:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27498574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misha_McCarthy/pseuds/The%20Tinglenator
Summary: Dean hates looking into his brother’s eyes and telling him everything’s alright, because it’s a lie, and Sam deserves better. But Sam also deserves to live. One-shot during season 9 with “Zeke”.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Gadreel & Dean Winchester
Series: Supernatural One-Shots [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1877215
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	I Lived

> _Hope when you take that jump,_
> 
> _You don't feel the fall._
> 
> _Hope when the water rises,_
> 
> _You built a wall._
> 
> _Hope if everybody runs,_
> 
> _You choose to stay._
> 
> _Hope when the moment comes,_
> 
> _You say:_
> 
> _I, I did it all_
> 
> _Yeah, with every broken bone,_
> 
> _I swear, I lived._

* * *

They had just finished catching up to Cas and bringing him back to the bunker when he left again. It didn’t make any sense. In fact, there were a lot of things happening lately that hadn’t added up.

For one, Dean kept telling him he’d been “dinged”- took a nice blow to the head and forgot every convenient thing his brother didn’t feel like explaining. Normally, he could recall seeing an approaching fist in his peripheral, and would feel a jab of pain slicing from his temple throughout the side of his head before darkness overcame him. Every time that Dean claimed he’d been knocked unconscious while some miracle work was done, this hadn’t been the case. Instead he just woke up on wobbling legs, as if he’d suddenly drained himself in a workout.

But despite how tired he felt after fighting Abaddon’s demons or the reaper April, he wasn’t physically tired; there was no way in Hell he was sleeping tonight, either. He knew he should be getting some rest after the trials, but he couldn’t. He just _could not_ sleep. It didn't matter how many pills he took. The pills, the water he took with them… normal food, it all tasted weird. It was as if all of his taste buds had opened, and he could taste every molecule. He wanted to throw up when he ate.

When Dean had said, “I’m letting you know,” it was weird-

**…**

No, Dean hadn’t said anything.

But what about when Dean had shouted the name Z-?

The… name…?

Sam stared at the plain walls of his room which had earned him a scolding from both Dean and Charlie. Apparently, he should be making it feel more like a ‘home’, but he wasn’t sure what really constituted a home at this point. He just wanted to feel comfortable in here. After all, there was no reason to spruce things up if it only served to create some sort of facade.

He’d thought Charlie should have died when the Wicked Witch….

Sam pulled himself up from the bed. He couldn’t sleep, and he certainly couldn’t concentrate. More than ever his thoughts seemed to just be drifting away. Maybe if he talked to Dean, his mind would stay on track.

OOO

Dean was having a beer and leaning over some book he didn’t remember seeing before. His brother’s head lifted wearily from a slouched position and he emptied the bottle with a nod to Sam. Could it be this late at night? He felt as though he could do another few laps through the neighborhood without issue. “Hey. How’re you doing?”

Dean chuckled a little, like he meant to say that he should be posing the question to Sam. He’d already answered those ‘how you holding up?’ questions twenty times within the last couple weeks. Yes, it was understandable since he _had_ just told the trials to screw themselves at the very last minute, but even with an overprotective brother like Dean, this was getting ridiculous. Thankfully, Dean finally seemed to be realizing this. “Just tired, man,” the elder sibling drawled. “You already slept or something?”

Sam’s eyebrows pinched in time with his lips. “No, it’s weird. I haven’t slept since the trials ended.”

Dean seemed a bit more alert now, but his brother played it off with a jump of his brows. “Huh. No wonder you’re so easy to knock out. Did you _try_ sleeping?”

He sighed where he’d sat in the library and wished they had some sort of secret beer compartment in this room. “Of course I did, two weeks ago. It’s been zip.”

There was a lofty silence.

Dean looked up to study his brother’s face. It was… content. Sam needed to rest, but instead they were using up Ezekiel’s grace _and_ patience. If they didn’t tone it down Sam wouldn’t be looking so content very soon.

Dean’s words died on his lips as he looked over and noticed that his little brother’s eyes were glowing. This couldn’t be good.

“Dean, he is beginning to contemplate your inconsistencies more often. I must be more rigorous when removing his memories.”

He felt his own frown lines growing deeper. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I am removing more of his memories.”

He almost laughed from the stress of it. Almost. “So, what? Sam… Sam’s just supposed to become some…”

Sam’s eyes glossed over in confusion. Fuck. Had Zeke snapped back that quickly?

“Were you talking to me?”

He hated this. He absolutely loathed the back and forth bullshit. If they had to be so careful about what Sam does and doesn’t know, you’d think the angel would avoid making it harder on him.

“Dean,” he was sure it was Sam this time because the question was worded in the most bitchy way possible, “Who the hell are you talking to? Why…” Sam leaned back in his chair, looking confused at where he was. He didn’t mean for it, but their gazes met again. “Are you still awake? I thought you were almost finished with that book three hours ago.”

“Well, I- I just wanted to read it over again, make sure I didn’t miss anything.”  
His brother nodded uneasily. “I can go through it for you. I haven’t, uh, necessarily been able to sleep since the trials ended, I guess.”

Hadn’t they just gone over this only two minutes ago? “That, uh. That must suck.”

“I feel like… there’s…” Real fear sprang onto Sam’s face. It gave him the urge to rush over there and check for anything physically wrong like he used to do a lot. Unfortunately for the both of them, it wasn’t so easy. “It’s been nagging at me, Dean, like I have something inside me. It keeps coming back, as if the trials never let _go_ …”

He couldn’t. If he said anything, Zeke might leave, and anything was better than having Sam dead. Even lying to his face, day after day. “I’m sure you’re fine, alright? Why don’t you try having something other than beer and cheap salads?”

Of course, his advice was ignored. “It just… I don’t need to eat. Nothing tastes right.”

“Huh? What’s it taste like?”

“What does what taste like?” Sam glared at him like he was some sort of dumbass.

Right. “Zeke, what are you up to?”

It must have still been his brother, since he received a miniature hair flip and the signature puppy dog eyes. Parted lips, glassy eyes, concerned eyebrow position; instant innocence. “Zeke?”

He stood up and slapped the table. “You know what? I think I need another beer. Maybe three. Three’s a good number.”

“Wait, Dean!”

Suddenly, Sam was clinging to his right shoulder, grasping it with painful strength. He spun around only to meet with the contorted face of his little sibling. It glistened from sweat, and his eyes flickered with an angelic grace. His brother seemed to be slipping in and out of consciousness, wrestling for control. For a second, he lost himself in watching this odd kind of fight, and when he snapped back- well, there weren’t many things he could do to help. The only thing Dean thought of doing was to grab Sam by the shoulders and hold his gaze. Intently. “Sam? Sam!”

At some point, that glow subsided to the awful fear which always made his stomach churn.

He dipped his head a bit, still looking his brother in the eye. “Sam? Hey, you hear me?”

Sam only shook his head the way he used to when he was incredibly disappointed and refused to glance at him. “Dean- you…”

He was no stranger to the hurt in Sam’s eyes. It didn’t mean he liked it any more than when he’d seen it last. “Hold on, I-”

“You want to just explain away why there’s a… what is it? What’s **_in me_ ** ? Because it sure as hell isn’t some demon, and we both know I’d never say ‘yes’!” His expression morphed into rage. “You know it, don’t you? The name… you… Zeke, right? You called it Zeke. You _knew_ it was in me!”

Maybe he should have expected it after seeing Sam momentarily gain control with an archangel inside him, but he honestly had not expected Zeke to be quelled just like- _that_. “He’s an angel, Sam. Ezekiel. You needed help after the trials, alright?”

“It- he’s _in my head_.” Right on cue, he seemed to feel a pounding force and grabbed his forehead with a whitened hand. “It’s like he’s wriggling…”

“Sam, you can’t eject him, understand?”

“Huh?”

It happened in slow motion. Sam looked up at him as if about to ask why on earth he shouldn’t get rid of an angel he’d never heard of before, but he didn’t get the chance. In his momentary confusion, Sam must have let his guard down. Ezekiel straightened his back and neck with a slight crack.

“Zeke, I’m sure we can all get along, right?”

The angel frowned, wearing his brother’s face. “He wished to expel me.”

Yeah, okay. Maybe they’d lie things off a bit longer, just until Sam was well enough. “Can’t you remove those memories?”

“Your brother is very angry. He is fighting with all that he has.”

“Can you do it?”

“It would be unwise to allow him the same liberties as before. Things will repeat themselves.”

He heard his voice begin to crack. “Zeke!”

OOO

Sam grabbed a bottle from him and gave a small smile. They didn’t approach subjects like sleeping or eating; he just observed Sam from time to time past the book he pretended to be reading. At one point he was caught looking up. The youngest simply smirked at his protective nature and took another swig of beer, however it might taste. Sam was oblivious once again to the fact that another entity would see all that he saw, and could do whatever he pleased with Sam at a moment’s notice, secretly destroying any hope of privacy. They just had to keep it that way for a while longer.


End file.
